Life is not fair. Not even for twins.
There is something inside of us that instinctively cringes at injustice and longs for life to be fair. When someone shares with me about an opportunity that should have been theirs and was given to someone else, or that God is blessing someone whose life does not line up with their beliefs, I don't always have an answer for them. I tend to look deep into my own bag full of ideologies, beliefs and theology to decide what response to give, but God's answer to this dilemma isn't necessarily a feel good one.
This situation plays out most days in my own home as we parent twin 3 year old girls. The idea of life being fair is something that I involuntary push on them. When one of them gets a gift, my knee-jerk reaction is to ask "What about the other one?" I have been tempted to rip teddy bears in two to appeal to this urge to make life as fair as possible and be free of the pain that comes with jealousy. However, that definitely isn't what the bible teaches.
The other day, one of my girls lost her beloved Cars shorts. Most parents can identify with my frantic and chaotic hustle to rip the house apart searching for these blessed shorts all to the tune of sobs and whimpers of my troubled toddler. So, as I was solo-parenting that day and didn't have much on the agenda, I broke down and offered to take them to buy a new pair of shorts that would replace her beloved possession. As we walked into the store and saw the heavens open over the rack of kids' shorts directly in front of us, my heart was filled with joy. We tried the shorts on and they were a hit. But, as my one girl was rapidly filling with glee, her counterpart was steadily breaking down from the inside out. Her initial excitement at her sister's new purchase transformed into tears as she was now overwhelmed by her desire for her own pair of new shorts. I knelt down and gently lifted up her head to look into her big wet eyes. Through my mind ran two ideas of what my response could be. I could pull her close, telling her that we came to get her sister shorts and that we wouldn't be able to get her any, or I could pick her up, walk back to the rack and have her pick out a pair of her own. The battle in my mind was between temporarily comforting my daughter with a swipe of my credit card, or being present with her through the lesson that we don't always get what other people have.
With my girls, my goal is not to always provide equality because that will not prepare them for real life and it will definitely not expose them to what Jesus so explicitly taught. Rather, I give them opportunities to feel pain in a safe moment with a steady companion to wade through the hard feelings and overwhelming emotions when we see our best friend and sister get something that we want and can't have.
Rain falls on the good and the wicked and the labourer who worked a whole day received the same recompense as he who worked a single hour under the same now-setting sun. If my goal is to offer equality and fairness to my kids at every turn, they will one day be confronted with the overwhelming reality that life on this earth is far from fair. We don't always get what we think we deserve and other people get a lot more or a lot less than we do. If my girls can begin to understand this concept, I am setting them up to one day introduce and genuinely define a reconciling word that will reveal the heart of the Gospel: grace.
In the same way that it hurts that I can't have what my neighbour has, there is another neighbour down the road that feels the same way about me. Our DNA is lined with a longing to see justice, fairness and equality but this temporary home of ours will never meet that need. The only way that our hearts can be comforted is by the fact that God chose to sacrifice his own son so that we could all receive the most incredible and eternal gift. Everybody. It is a gift that is given without prejudice, bias or point systems. So as we parent, we need to have eternity in mind and not focus on temporary fixes to construct a facade that life on this earth is fair. One day, our heavenly Father will come close, lift our heads and look us in the eyes as we embark on the true meaning of justice that is intrinsically bound up in an eternal relationship free of tears and sorrow. But, until that day, the last thing I want is for my children's gaze to be fixed on the temporary and comforted by the material.
And so, as I parent this dynamic duo I am slowly learning to quiet the urge to artificially and unnecessarily protect them from the pain and sadness that springs from the comparison trap. I cannot offer them equality in all things, but if I am rooted in His word, I can point them to the only one who rains down grace and comfort that soaks deeper than the pain. To be honest, I ended up buying my second daughter her own pair of shorts that day. I may have given in to the temptation of the temporary, but I am slowly learning to parent with eternity in mind and with a heart that sees beyond cheap grace and the false teaching that life on this earth is fair. Life is not fair. But thank God for grace.
-David McCormick
This situation plays out most days in my own home as we parent twin 3 year old girls. The idea of life being fair is something that I involuntary push on them. When one of them gets a gift, my knee-jerk reaction is to ask "What about the other one?" I have been tempted to rip teddy bears in two to appeal to this urge to make life as fair as possible and be free of the pain that comes with jealousy. However, that definitely isn't what the bible teaches.
The other day, one of my girls lost her beloved Cars shorts. Most parents can identify with my frantic and chaotic hustle to rip the house apart searching for these blessed shorts all to the tune of sobs and whimpers of my troubled toddler. So, as I was solo-parenting that day and didn't have much on the agenda, I broke down and offered to take them to buy a new pair of shorts that would replace her beloved possession. As we walked into the store and saw the heavens open over the rack of kids' shorts directly in front of us, my heart was filled with joy. We tried the shorts on and they were a hit. But, as my one girl was rapidly filling with glee, her counterpart was steadily breaking down from the inside out. Her initial excitement at her sister's new purchase transformed into tears as she was now overwhelmed by her desire for her own pair of new shorts. I knelt down and gently lifted up her head to look into her big wet eyes. Through my mind ran two ideas of what my response could be. I could pull her close, telling her that we came to get her sister shorts and that we wouldn't be able to get her any, or I could pick her up, walk back to the rack and have her pick out a pair of her own. The battle in my mind was between temporarily comforting my daughter with a swipe of my credit card, or being present with her through the lesson that we don't always get what other people have.
With my girls, my goal is not to always provide equality because that will not prepare them for real life and it will definitely not expose them to what Jesus so explicitly taught. Rather, I give them opportunities to feel pain in a safe moment with a steady companion to wade through the hard feelings and overwhelming emotions when we see our best friend and sister get something that we want and can't have.
Rain falls on the good and the wicked and the labourer who worked a whole day received the same recompense as he who worked a single hour under the same now-setting sun. If my goal is to offer equality and fairness to my kids at every turn, they will one day be confronted with the overwhelming reality that life on this earth is far from fair. We don't always get what we think we deserve and other people get a lot more or a lot less than we do. If my girls can begin to understand this concept, I am setting them up to one day introduce and genuinely define a reconciling word that will reveal the heart of the Gospel: grace.
In the same way that it hurts that I can't have what my neighbour has, there is another neighbour down the road that feels the same way about me. Our DNA is lined with a longing to see justice, fairness and equality but this temporary home of ours will never meet that need. The only way that our hearts can be comforted is by the fact that God chose to sacrifice his own son so that we could all receive the most incredible and eternal gift. Everybody. It is a gift that is given without prejudice, bias or point systems. So as we parent, we need to have eternity in mind and not focus on temporary fixes to construct a facade that life on this earth is fair. One day, our heavenly Father will come close, lift our heads and look us in the eyes as we embark on the true meaning of justice that is intrinsically bound up in an eternal relationship free of tears and sorrow. But, until that day, the last thing I want is for my children's gaze to be fixed on the temporary and comforted by the material.
And so, as I parent this dynamic duo I am slowly learning to quiet the urge to artificially and unnecessarily protect them from the pain and sadness that springs from the comparison trap. I cannot offer them equality in all things, but if I am rooted in His word, I can point them to the only one who rains down grace and comfort that soaks deeper than the pain. To be honest, I ended up buying my second daughter her own pair of shorts that day. I may have given in to the temptation of the temporary, but I am slowly learning to parent with eternity in mind and with a heart that sees beyond cheap grace and the false teaching that life on this earth is fair. Life is not fair. But thank God for grace.-David McCormick
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