Just Confusing: Walking with Kids from Hard Places

Walking through life with kids from hard places is rewarding, challenging, aggravating, joyful, inspiring and discouraging. In other words; it's a mix of a lot of things. My latest experiences have reinforced this concept that taking consistent steps to journey alongside these kids is oftentimes just plain confusing. Do I give them space? Do I take charge? Do I take all the words (or lack thereof) at face value? The damage that has been done to these kids was done in a relationship of some kind and the only way to restore, heal and rebound is within that same context. They need us. In order for a kid to start trusting again, a time out to "think about what they've done" just won't work. Our hope may be that these kinds of strategies will magically provoke developmental growth spurts making up for years of loss and trauma, but the scars run deeper than mere behaviour can communicate. I know that if God has placed this child in my life it is because He has chosen me to be a part of the restoration process and I can't play that down. But some days it's just so confusing.


In order to speak some sort of reason and light into the confusion, I feel like a good place is in front of the mirror. On the days when my own behaviour sends a hundred different signals as to what I am truly needing, I wonder what God, seated on His throne, thinks about when He sees me in that state. I trust He doesn't feel confused and that in spite of my lack of effective communication, He somehow knows me so well that He mysteriously works even the most difficult things for my eventual good. God is stronger, wiser, kinder, more secure and above all, ruthless in His love for me. And that is exactly what these kids need from us. In Ephesians 5:1 we are called to be imitators of God as His beloved children. In order to respond to the confusion that gushes from our relationships with kids from hard places they need adults to understand two things: Primarily, that we come to terms with our own identity as dearly beloved children. Kids of a king that are deeply loved and valued. If our posture and behaviour springs from knowing that whatever happens, our identity cannot be taken away from us and absolutely nothing in all of creation could separate us from God's incredible love, we are more likely to act in ways that will transmit that same assurance to our kids.

Secondly, we need to imitate God as a Father. When our child lashes out in situations with no apparent trigger, we are to be wiser. When our teenager adamantly chooses to abandon the use of words in exchange for eye rolling, sighs and looks of disdain, we are to be more compassionate and benevolent. They are looking for us to be stronger, wiser, kinder, more secure and above all, ruthless in our love for them. Sound familiar? Whether we like it or not, kids that have been through trauma are going to have a hard time grasping the idea of an invisible heavenly Father that is kind and gracious. And that is why God has placed YOU in their life. He is asking us to imitate Him so He can show His love to them through us.

I can feel the look on my face when I am baffled and don't know what to say or how to act. I get wrapped up in my own negative emotional cycles and get thrown off by unexpected responses. But I strive to learn from the only truly good Father. Constant, steady love calms the waves of confusion and will eventually prove to this child that I am to be trusted. I am safe. I am for them. Not because I am awesome and capable, but because I am imitating the one Father who is all this and more. The bewilderment I am currently feeling is most likely being fed by the confusion my child is experiencing and no amount of science, tips or tactics will be able to speak lasting order into this chaos. Confusion is calmed by consistent and steady love, and you, as God's beloved child, are the one He has chosen to show them what this rich and unconditional love looks like.